CHAPTER 16 TO 20

CHAPTER 16 – Big Pink Lights Shining Bright

♫

was sitting down by a dresser, wearing a grey t-shirt and jeans, and her hair down. Her makeup was done except for the lipstick, since she was finishing her coffee. She was going through a magazine when she heard two knocks on the door, and a few seconds later caught a glimpse of Tom's head behind the door.

– Hey! – stood up and ran to Tom's arms, only leaving after a long passionate kiss – You're late.

– What? I am not!

– Really? Then I guess we're starting early – looked at her watch – Did you say hi to the guys yet?

– I did – Tom smiled.

– ? – Adam knocked on the door.

– Yeah?

– Emily's here, you gotta come meet her!

– Ok, be right there!

– Who's Emily? – Tom asked.

– Shawn's baby daughter – opened the door and Tom followed her as she walked through a corridor – Shawn is their producer, and Emily's gonna be our daughter in the video – smiled and entered a room to find Shawn with his wife, and Adam holding the baby.

– Aw, she's so cute! – smiled at the baby as Adam rocked her – Hi, Shawn, how are you? – hugged Shawn.

– Hey! This is my wife, Gisella...

– Hi, nice to meet you! – smiled and hugged her – Oh, let me hold her – smiled at Adam and he handed her Emily.

– I think we should get going to the set, I don't know in how long we're gonna start – Adam said.

– Okay – affirmed and they all walked there – Hey, baby, you liked my hair? – smiled at Emily, who was playing with her hair, and after a while they got to a large space in the studio, where some people were making final arrangements on the two sets of the video – Tom, will you hold her for a bit please? I think there's a rock in my shoe...

– Oh, sure! – Tom picked up Emily and supported her hand on his shoulder to check her shoe.

– Wow, don't you two look fancy? – said to James and Mickey as they walked by in tuxes.

– We really do, uh? – James smiled.

– I don't think I've ever seen you two with tuxes on!

– I don't we have either, other than in weddings and funerals – Mickey answered and they laughed.

– Aw, she really likes you – looked at Emily, who was playing with a button in Tom's shirt, after the guys walked away.

– She's so calm, isn't she? I'm just a stranger and she seems totally comfortable...

– Well you do give a very good vibe of safety, you know – and Tom – Okay, baby, now back to your "mama for the day"! – tried to get Emily back, but she recoiled in Tom's shoulder.

– Uh-oh, seems like my shirt is more interesting than you hair – Tom laughed.

– Come on, Emily! I got this cool bracelet, look - shook her arm and the bracelet made noise, which conquered Emily back – A-ha, I knew I'd crack this – smiled at Tom while taking off her bracelet for the baby to play with, holding her again.

– Alright, but I think it's instinctive that women are more "talented" with babies...

– Oh, come on, you are too, you just didn't happen to have any blings on – smiled.

– Yes, such a shame I left my blings at home – Tom joked and laughed.

Several minutes later, the shooting started. The story in the video was that Adam was a boxer married to , and Emily was their daughter. It started with the three of them together in the set of their home, having lunch. Then, Adam left and they shot a sequence of scenes where packed all of her and her baby's stuff and left with her, which was simple filming. When her part was over, joined Tom in watching Adam and the other guys in the boxing arena. After a couple of hours, they got all they needed and were ready for editing.

– Alright, so, we're gonna get cracking on this and hopefully we can release it in about two weeks – The director said before walking away and they nodded along.

– Alright, so this was fun – smiled while strapping on her purse.

– Yeah, I had a great – Adam smiled and kissed . After she and Tom said goodbye to everyone, they went to a market together to buy things for dinner.

– Beverage, check – Tom smiled while putting a bottle of wine in the shopping cart.

– You don't even know what we're cooking! What if it doesn't go with wine?

– What? What doesn't go with wine?

– Lots of things!

– Name three.

– Okay... Japanese food... um.... – As silenced trying to think of the other two, Tom came closer and put his arms around her.

– We're not having Japanese then – he smiled and laughed before a kiss.

– What about pasta?

– Always a great idea – Tom smiled and started pushing the cart.

– Oh my god! – stopped before a shelf and picked up a candy – I used to have this all the time as a kid!

– Me too! – Tom smiled and grabbed one too.

– Really?

– Yeah! Wow, I didn't even know they had these in America!

– Me neither! You know, for about ten years this was always my grandma's Christmas present for me: a book, or a piece of clothing, and 52 packs of Freddo Frog, so that I'd have one for each week of the year.

– Aw, that's really sweet – Tom smiled – Now grab us twenty of those and dessert is guaranteed.

Two hours after that, dinner was almost ready at 's. She was setting the table while Tom worked on the sauce and watched over the pasta.

– You know something I never saw here too? – shouted from the dining room – Cadbury Snowflakes.

– Oh, yeah! I remember I loved the one with caramel and my sister liked the one without it, and my mom always bought the one without for all of us!

– Oh, no! – laughed and came back to the kitchen, turning off the stove – That one sucks!

– Exactly! My god , you got great taste for just about everything, don't you?

– Especially boyfriends – smiled and kissed Tom.

After a couple of minutes, was putting the food on the table and Tom was in the kitchen opening the wine bottle, when the power went off.

– Oh my god! – daunted.

– Are you okay over there? – Tom shouted from the kitchen.

– Yeah... Oh, um, there's candles in the first drawer, and the lighter's over the counter, I think.

– Okay... Got it, I'll be right there.

Less than a minute later, Tom sat in the table in front of and lit two candles after putting them in candlesticks.

– Wow, an unplanned romantic dinner – smiled.

– Well, I don't think it's that romantic when we can barely see our food – Tom joked and laughed.

After having dinner, Tom and went outside and sat in the balcony floor, looking at the darkened city as they ate the candy they bought.

– The city, looks pretty like this... Nothing shining but the moon...

– Yeah – Tom agreed.

– Oh, yay, I got a red one!

– What? I never get those!

– Well, I'll let you taste it then – smiled and kissed Tom.

– Hmm, much better than what I remembered – Tom and laughed.

CHAPTER 17 – Radical Notion

But you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
– Oh, no! We're being photographed with shopping bags, we are so the average boring Hollywood couple! – joked and Tom laughed as she waved at the paparazzi.

– Ooh, let's take that street – Tom pointed left – Paparazzi hardly ever go there, and we can have coffee somewhere.

– Let's go this one – pointed at a cafe a few steps away from where she and Tom were walking.

– Closed – Tom said as they passed in front of it.

– Oh, that one then! – she pointed across the street, at the end of it – That one looks nice.

– It's perfect – Tom smiled and they entered the cafe.

– How about we sit in those chairs? – sat in a high chair by the counter, and Tom followed her.

The cafe was big and very beautiful, and the counter was a half circle with the cashier in the middle of it. and Tom sat in the end of the semi-circle and started chatting before ordering. They had just been chased by some paparazzi after going shopping, but now seemed to have found a calm place.

Well, paparazzi-wise, anyway.

– So which place should we spend the night in, mine or yours? – Tom asked as he put one arm around .

– Um... Oh, let's go to mine because I've got that champagne Chris gave me, I wanna have it!

– Well, you know there's no better way to convince me – Tom smiled.

♫

Just as they were about to go to the cashier and order, two men walked in, and couldn't help but notice their suspicious behavior, looking at them as Tom went through the menu and everyone else seemed not to notice anything weird. They both looked nervous. One of them turned the "open/closed" sign, making the "closed" face outside, but thought maybe he was just pulling a prank or something. Then he started closing the drapes to the big windows that faced outside, attracting some attention. It all happened really fast, but would later remember each detail. Like when the other guy pulled out a gun from his jacket and yelled:

– Everyone down! Everyone down right now!

There were screams, noises, and things breaking all over as people fell to the floor. remembered about three seconds of being completely shocked before Tom pulled her to the floor with all his strength and rolled her over, using his body as a shield.

– Not you, Jean – heard the man saying and slowly turned around to face Tom. Then, she saw the man's feet, which were approaching the cashier. That's probably who Jean was, since she stood up slowly to face the man.

– What are you doing, Sean? – she said slowly as the entire place was dead silent.

– You know what I'm doing. You saw this coming. – As heard the words, she looked at Tom, whose face was probably less than an inch away from hers. Her moist eyes met his dreamy blue ones, who looked very worried but steady nonetheless.

– What the hell is going on? – whispered slowly in a tone she was sure would only be heard by Tom.

– I don’t know. I think... if we sit up by the counter, he won't see us – Tom said in a calm whisper.

– Okay. – let out a low breath, and slowly her body and Tom's started moving as they were just one. In a few seconds, they had reached the wall of the counter, sitting up and positioning their bodies between the two chairs they had earlier sat on. As Tom turned his back to , he accidentally dropped the chair that was now facing him, making a loud noise as it hit the floor, which caused both of the men to move to their side and point their guns at Tom.

– You stay there! Don't move! – Sean yelled, and as Tom nodded and put his hands up, chose not to look at the man, cringing in Tom's back and trying not to cry as she squeezed his shirt with her right hand. Sean then went back to where he was, facing the cashier Jean.

– Now Jean, I'm gonna tell you one more time. Either you come with me... Or I'll kill everyone here.

– Oh my god – instinctively let out as she realized the seriousness of what was happening was much greater than that first scare she hadn't even assimilated yet.

– What? – Tom looked to the side to get closer to and be able to speak in a lower voice.

– Tom, this... this isn't a robbery. It's... it's a mass murder.

had probably never come to a conclusion as fast as she thought of that. If the guy wanted money he'd have it by now. He knew the cashier, he wanted something from her. He really wanted something.

Just as fast too came the next moment. The one to touch her life. The one to wash away the thinking of what a genius she had been to have thought of that conclusion.

The pool of blood coming from Tom's stomach, spreading around .

CHAPTER 18 – 18 Seconds

I once read that there are only two emotions: Love and Fear. I figured whoever said that meant you can either feel love or fear. But the thing is - and I learned it in the worst way possible - you can feel both at the same time.

I used to think of those feelings like two rivers. And when this happened to me, I was swimming in love. I'd never been so deep in it before, only in the shallow part. Of the fear river too. But, as horrible as the idea of being deep into the fear river seemed, I hadn't yet realized that if I was full into love when fear hit me, it'd feel unaccountably worse. And fear started to feel more like a waterfall, blinding and drowning me as it mixed with love, until I couldn't tell them apart anymore.

***
The elapsed time was eighteen seconds. That's what it took from when cringed behind Tom and felt his body close to her, to when he collapsed on the floor. Now, for her that was a split second. The blink of an eye. But looking from the outside, it was a gathering of moments, orchestrated to lead to that.

After the shooter had said "or I'm gonna kill everyone here", a man that was close to him, an ex-cop, jumped up as fast as he could. But not fast enough. Sean turned around and shot him right in the heart, killing him in a second. Then, a five-year-old that was next to Tom and , in his father's lap, started crying. Sean yelled at the dad to shut him up, and as the dad made an aggressive move to protect the child from the shooter, he got scared and shot in his direction. But missed.

Since the first shot went off, cringed behind Tom and closed her eyes. But not completely - she was looking down with the bit of her eyes that were opened, and that's how she saw blood quickly spreading around her, before Tom was on the floor.

♫

– Oh my god! Tom? – called his name, not sure why, since she was staring into his eyes. His eyes, that were bringing her peace not so long before, now brought her the darkest terror she had ever seen in a look. His wide opened blue eyes said many things, and staring into them wasn't helping though it should. Glimpsing at the hole where the bullet had entered, had one instinct - she quickly found with her eyes the bag she had brought from shopping with Tom, and reached for the green scarf inside of it. The one Tom had said looked absolutely perfect on . She quickly pressed it onto the wound, and the scarf was quickly turned into dark red, as did most of Tom's grey t-shirt. No exit wound, she thought. And from all the medical TV shows she had watched, that was always a bad thing. The bullet was still inside of Tom, and god knows where his blood stream was taking it.

– Tom? – whispered while shifting and turning the scarf in the looks of more clean fabric – Can you say something? Please? – she moved her fingers quickly while still staring at the wound, and then Tom reached for her hand, holding it with his now very lowered strength, making her stop her rapid hand movements and look at him.

– I... love you. – Tom whispered slowly, making 's tears almost come out.

– Have you made your decision yet? – Sean asked Jean and looked over there, the waterfall in her eyes preserved for later.

– Please. Please, don't kill anyone else – Jean begged in a voice clearly troubled by the tears, as closed her eyes.

– Fine – Sean threw violently on the ground the girl he was pointing his gun at, and walked closer to the counter, to speak in a voice only Jean would hear.

– I love you too – said, turning her eyes back to Tom, her tear ducts still surprisingly well-behaved – Listen to me, you're gonna be fine. Okay? – she got closer to Tom and stroked his hair.

– I... I don't think so.

– You will. You will – said while nodding. – I once had a dog that was very old and sick, and when the doctors gave him a few weeks, I had a bad feeling. I knew he wasn't gonna get past that night. But, I don't... I don't feel that now. Which means you're gonna be fine.

– You... You do have... good instincts – Tom said with a weak smile, to comfort , and closed his eyes. It made him look more peaceful and in less pain, but knew he could lose his consciousness at any moment.

– You can't close your eyes – mouthed out endearingly while stroking Tom's hair and grabbing his hand.

– Okay – Tom opened his eyes slightly.

– Hey – A voice said from the inside of the counter, and as looked to the side a woman's head came out of it and looked at her – I called the police. Jean, she knows. I think she's gonna try to stall him.

– Okay – nodded while still holding Tom's hand. – Can you... can you try to call 911 too?

– Okay, I'll try – the woman got back and let out a quick smile.

– You hear that, Tom? – turned her head back and saw that he had his eyes closed again – Tom? Tom? – the second time she called him was almost a scream, that woke Tom again, but the shooter heard it. He stopped talking to whoever he was talking and walked in and Tom's direction.

♫

– Well, what do we have here? – Sean said, making look at him for the first time. His bald head, tattooed arms and disgusting smile would take a long time to get off 's memory. – The damsel saving the gentleman – he concluded with a mocking laugh. – Wait a minute, you're that famous singer – he said while analyzing 's face, making some more people draw their attention there too – Yeah, and this is your boyfriend – Sean took a look at Tom while walking around them and in a second crouched to 's side, to speak directly into her ears – I've always hated celebrities. You keep shoving your perfect little lives to our faces, and then you think you have the right to tell us to be happy no matter what. Well, I'll tell you what. I think it would be magical – As he enunciated the word, he pressed his gun onto 's head, making her cringe and close her eyes. That was the moment realized Tom was still holding her hand, and the slight strength indicating he was awake was the only thing making her want to fight for life too. But for that she had to listen to that man's despicable words – if I killed you. Wouldn't it be great? If the "Hollywood couple" died right here, right now? – Sean laughed again, and at that moment, Tom squeezed 's hand a bit tighter, making her bite her lip in despair – Oh, imagine the news. The fans crying all over the world. I'd be happy to do it, you know?

– Stop it! – Jean said from up in the counter in a scream – Stop it, you said you wouldn't kill anyone else!

– And you said you'd make a decision, you whore! – Sean looked up to Jean – So, what's it gonna be? – he pointed the gun back at Jean, getting up and slowly walking away from them. In the second she was free, lied next to Tom and held his hand with all her strength, pressing her forehead against his and crying silently, as she pressed her body onto the scarf and coat that were helping contain the bleeding of the wound.

– I love you. You can't leave me, I love you Tom. I love you. Please don't leave me. Please. I love you. – whispered as the hand holding got weaker, getting some words back from Tom, knowing he was doing his best to stay awake. To stay alive. Then, all of their moments flashed through her head, and everything seemed so stupid all of a sudden. She felt like she hadn't had the right to cry up to that moment. When she could literally see Tom’s life slipping through her fingers. She wanted to go back in time, to find that girl that sat in the couch through and entire day, crying because she and Tom had a fight, and punch her in the face. At that moment, nothing seemed more idiotic than crying because of a discussion. – Tom? – Her heartbeat grew stronger as Tom’s got weaker, and she could’ve been sure her heart would come out of her mouth. He wasn’t responding anymore, and that could only help the explosion that was happening inside her.

After a couple of minutes, the next sentence she heard, though it didn't come from Tom's lips, was so relieving almost passed out.

– L.A.P.D, freeze! – The policeman said after breaking into the door.

A couple shots were exchanged between the two shooters and the four policemen, but no one got hit. As soon as they handcuffed them and walked out, paramedics walked in to attend the victims.

– Miss, are you hurt? – a paramedic asked , making her look up and un-hug Tom.

– No, only him – she sat up and the paramedics quickly put Tom in a gurney and took him inside an ambulance. As she walked out, covered in blood, saw many policemen and ambulances outside, as well as a lot of people hugging and being happy to be with their family again. I could really use one of my loved ones’ hug right now, she thought. And though it would’ve been great to have her parents or friends there, there was only one hug that could actually get her to remember how to breathe. Only one that she wanted, anyway.

walked into the ambulance and sat by Tom’s side. He was unconscious and had a breathing mask on, as well as a temporary patch on his wound. Before leaving, they asked her some information about Tom, and then drove off. It was only then that she noticed she had a cut in her arm, and realized it was from the bullet, that scraped her arm after hitting Tom.

As the doors closed and the sirens went off, took a deep breath of relief – and of concern, since the bad part wasn't over yet. She looked at Tom, who looked very pale. She tried to remember what the last thing he had said to her was but instead she just looked at him. Suddenly, he sweetly opened his eyes, reached for the mask and took it off, worrying . But before he needed to put it back on, he was able to articulate the only thing she needed to hear:

– I love you too.

CHAPTER 19 – Half Remembered Dream

It takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished
♫
The brain is the human body's most mysterious organ. It learns. It changes. It adapts. It tells us what we see. What we hear. It lets us feel love. But no matter how much research is done, no one can really say how all that delicate gray matter inside our skull works. And when the human brain is traumatized, well, that's when it gets even more mysterious.

Trauma is a really tricky thing of the brain. It often makes you get rational only afterwards. It's like another version of yourself, your "inner hero" or something, takes over during the experience. Well, it's what it was like for anyway. She had very few moments of weakness while the whole thing was happening. All the same, that strong person was gone now. And trauma was invading her brain, and running through her veins.

hadn't seen Tom since they took him to the trauma room and from there to surgery, after she signed a form. The doctors had cleaned the blood off her arms and hands and stitched her arm, and then a couple of cops went to get her statement. At first she thought it was going to be terrible, because the last thing she wanted was to relive that moment so soon, but then she realized it was better to just get it over with, and then be free to forget everything that happened.

But now she had nothing else to think about. She was sitting in the waiting room, staring at nothing. There was no wound to put pressure on, no doctors to ask questions to, no eyes to look at. Just a vague silence in a vague space, favoring the opportunity for 's brain to take in all that was happening. And start to fall apart.

Her parents didn't know yet. Tom's parents and his sister were flying in from London. Olive and Jim were still on their honeymoon. And Chris, well, he was supposed to be away for work, but instead he was walking through the emergency room doors. As soon as he saw , he walked fast in her direction, and she stood up when seeing him.

– ! Oh my god – Chris wrapped his arms around and hugged her with all his strength, making her finally burst into tears. His hug was so strong always felt an actual eminent danger of being left with some fractured bones, but she never told him that, because he could want to loosen the hug, but that way felt the ideal.

Chris was always the best at comforting . She hated when people asked how she was feeling, or told her not to cry. And Chris knew that. He knew that the best he could do was to hold her as strongly as he could, for as long as it was necessary. This time it was 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes went by without any words, without any movement. Just the sound of crying like a scared little child. After that time, Chris slowly pulled himself away and started stroking 's hair.

– It was... so horrible – said between the tears.

– Oh, I know, I know sweetie – Chris hugged her again – But it's over now. Tom is gonna be fine.

nodded and they sat down. She rested her head on Chris' shoulder while wiping the rest of the tears away, and he put his arms around her.

– You need to change out of that dress – Chris looked at 's white flowery dress, and the blood stains all over it. – How about I go home and get you something?

– No. No, please don't leave me – squeezed Chris' hand.

– Okay, okay, I won't. Why don't we go together then?

– I... I don't know. – didn't want to stay in that dress full of memories any longer, but she didn't want to leave Tom either. Then, she remembered something that could be a solution to that problem. – I bought... I bought a pair of jeans and a shirt today – lifted her head and looked around – It was there with me, I don't know if someone brought it here...

– Okay, let me go ask those cops – Chris pointed at some cops that were close to them and went to ask them about the belongings. Then, the police showed him to a room where the bags were at and Chris came back with them.

As dressed herself in the bathroom, she took a glimpse at the mirror, trying to hold it together. Trying not to remember the time earlier that day, when she first put on those jeans and that black t-shirt, along with the green scarf, and showed it to Tom to get his opinion.

"So, how do I look?" heard herself saying to Tom as she walked out of the dressing room to where he was sitting.

"You look... let me see..." Tom stood up and checked the outfit "Absolutely perfect" he said with a smile.

"You always say that" smiled and positioned herself in front of the mirror "I'm gonna stop believing you one of those days."

"Well, then, I dare you to look any less than perfect" Tom laughed and hugged from behind, looking at the both of them in the mirror. "That's a very beautiful scarf."

"Right? I loved it!" smiled.

"Yeah. It's very... Mrs. God of Mischief" Tom said and laughed.

"That's a good one! I'll remember that when I wear this."

And just like that, the memory faded away, and was alone before the mirror. No scarf. No Tom. No joy.

went back to the waiting room, where Chris was awaiting, and sat by his side again.

– You need to get some sleep – Chris said while putting 's head on his shoulder after she sat next to him again.

– I'm fine – answered while looking straight forward.

– Come on, . I'm here for you. I'll wake you up if anything happens. Come on, just close your eyes. – Chris continued to stroke 's hair, and just like that she closed her eyes and fell into a deep sleep. Surprisingly and luckly enough, it was a sleepless dream, and she actually rested for a bit. She was woken after about two hours, with Chris' voice calling her.

– ? ? – opened her eyes to find two doctors standing before her, and sat up without saying anything, just looking at the doctors intently.

– The surgery went great. He's gonna be fine – the doctor said with a calming smile.

– Oh, thank god – breathed out and closed her eyes.

– He's not awake yet, but you can see him if you want to – the other doctor said, and looked at Chris.

– Go on – Chris squeezed 's hand and smiled – I'll be right there.

fell back in the chair that was next to Tom's bed as soon as she walked in, being left alone with him by the doctors. She held his hand and some tears got out as she looked at him. Even though he wasn't up yet, it was the best feeling in the world to see him. He looked a lot stronger, and almost started laughing at how great it felt to look at him while hearing the monitor beeping, indicating that his heartbeat was there, strong and steady.

– Hey, how's it going? – Chris asked as he walked in.

– Great. He looks a lot better now – smiled at Chris.

– That's great – he smiled. – , I'm so sorry, but I have to go. My flight was moved, so...

– Oh, of course! I know you have to go, you shouldn't even have come!

– Of course I did.

– Thank you – stood up and hugged Chris – Hey, um, how did you hear about us anyway?

– Um, I... I saw it on TV.

– Really? It's on TV?

– Yeah – Chris replied looking sorry. – I was about to leave home and it came up on the news, saying that according to sources you two were there. Then Jim called me to see if I had heard the news and then he called the hospital to confirm.

– Oh...

– Hey, it's fine – Chris kissed on the cheek – I called Amy while you were asleep. All that matters is that you guys are fine, right?

– Yeah – smiled and Chris walked away after another hug.

For the next twenty minutes, held Tom's hand while laying her head in the bed. She was still pretty tired, but didn't want to sleep. Suddenly, the hand she put above hers started to get some traction, and looked up to find Tom opening his eyes.

– Hey – smiled as her eyes got moist – You're up.

– I guess I am – Tom smiled. – You look beautiful. – Tom said in a calming voice and shook her head negatively with a smile, the tears starting to flow.

– Tom, I was so scared – she let out in a breath and hugged him, careful not to press too hard onto his wound.

– I know – Tom hugged her back while closing his eyes. – I am so sorry... that I couldn't be there... when you needed me.

– Tom, what are you talking about? – looked at Tom as she pulled away – You saved my life! I would've taken that bullet if it weren't for you!

– No, you saved my life. You were so brave, all along, and I... I couldn't even stay awake.

As Tom finished talking, pressed her lips onto his, closing her eyes, and kissing him passionately, as the hug got stronger and the kiss got deeper.

– You saved my life – whispered as her forehead rested on Tom's – Don't you ever forget that.

– Okay. And you don't forget that you saved mine too.

– I won't. I won't – smiled and held Tom's hand, hugging him again.

– I love you.

– I love you too. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life.

CHAPTER 20 – Some Nights I Stay Up

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me
And just forget the world?
If you’ve gone through a traumatic experience, you may be struggling with upsetting emotions, frightening memories, or a sense of constant danger. Or you may feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again.

Ever since the day Tom got discharged from the hospital, he and spent all the nights together. The first thing they heard in therapy was that some couples that go through situations like the one they did need to spend some time apart, because the other one brings back the horrible memories. But Tom and didn't even consider that. They felt like they had never needed the other one more, and didn't need anything or anyone else. They considered couple's therapy, but concluded that they needed to work on memories that were scary in a different way for each of them. They always slept cuddling, and most of the nights were very unquiet. One would wake up the other, both would have nightmares, flashbacks, loud breathing, contractions from the nervousness.

On around the 30th night, the wake-ups started to get a bit less frequent and scary, but were still there. Tom was cuddling , who was holding his right hand with hers. After a brief groan, Tom opened his eyes, and his delicate yet rapid movements caused to be awaken as well.

– It's okay, I'm up – informed Tom as she noticed he was trying not to do so, freeing his hand.

– I'm sorry – Tom rolled back and put both hands in his forehead.

– It's okay, honey. I was about to wake up anyway – sat up and turned on the lamp on her side. That was like a routine now: cuddle, say goodnight, have bad dreams, wake up, sit up, and then turn on the lights to see the other one's face. Too see that they were alive and well. That they didn't have any gun to their head or opened wound to their stomach.

– Yeah? – Tom stroked 's hair after sitting up as well, and nodded.

– You know, I was thinking, there's something I wanted to ask you... that I haven't asked yet.

– Okay.

– Were you, um... Were you awake the whole time?... When the guy had... the gun, in my head.... – struggled to complete the sentence as she looked down and ran her fingers through Tom's arm.

– Yes – Tom replied simply, making look into his eyes. – It's the moment I dream about the most. I was... I was terrified with the thought that that could be the last thing I saw before I died.

hugged Tom before the tears came. They hadn't really discussed the content of their dreams with each other until then. Her most frequent memory was the very long final ten minutes. The part of most iminent danger regarding Tom's chances to live, as she told him while still on the hug, and there they stayed for almost an hour. It was the last time they woke up during the night due to those dreams.

– I can do it myself, you know – Tom said impatiently when started helping him put on him shirt on the right arm.

– You know I don't mind helping – started buttoning his shirt.

– I know – Tom ran his fingers through 's hair and kissed her – Now, I'm pretty sure we're late.

– Oh, I don't think anyone will actually notice if two out of a hundred aren't there – smiled.

– Well, I bet the host will – Tom smiled and handed her purse.

♫

The Californian sun was beaming bright on Jim and Olive's back yard, and about twenty people were there to celebrate Jim's birthday. Tom and 's parents were there too, since they'd flown in from England after the accident.

– – Olive stretched her arms and hugged when seeing her – You know you're late.

– Told you she'd notice – Tom smiled before greeting Jim.

– Hey, I found the present I bought for you in Greece.

– Really? That's great! Thought I was gonna be left with nothing – smiled.

– Yeah, but I'll give it to you later cause I Ieft it god knows where...

– Oh it's fine sweetie – smiled and went to congratulate Olive's parents.

– Oh my god, have you tried this champagne? – Tom showed up behind with two glasses as she grabbed a finger sandwich – It is so good.

– No, I haven't – turned around and smiled widely at Tom, staring at him blatantly for a while.

– What? – Tom asked with a smile.

– Nothing! You get that now that you're fine there will be moments where I just stare at your existence like an idiot, right?

– Yes, and I'm glad to do the same thing – Tom laughed and kissed – I'm gonna go now, your dad and mine are filling me in on all the Chelsea games I've missed.

– Okay – laughed and Tom walked away.

– , sweetie, have you eaten my sandwiches? – Lilly asked her daughter.

– Oh, you made those?

– Yes, my super special secret recipe – Lilly hugged from the side and smiled – You know, dear, I called my friend Maggie, the one who's a psychiatrist...

– Oh, here we go...

– I'm serious, ! I had a good talk with her, and she said she's dealt with many couples that went through trauma...

– Yes, mom, but with each case it's completely different!

– I know that! It's just... She said that she's never seen couples go back to being the same. She said the trauma either breaks them or sets them. For life. So I was just wondering, if you two are okay.

– We're more than okay mom. We're... powering through. Together. You have nothing to worry about.

– Okay then – Lilly kissed in the forehead and walked away.

A while later, was sitting down by herself and eating her mom's sandwiches, after talking to a dozen of different people about how she and Tom were doing, and Olive sat by her side with a blue shopping bag.

– Found it – She smiled and handed the bag.

– Ooh, my gift? – smiled back and quickly got what was inside, a beautiful black-tulle shirt, embroidered with colorful trinkets – Oh... my... god. Ollie, this is the most beautiful shirt I have ever seen! Thank you so much – hugged her friend.

– Do you really like it?

– Um, I'm only gonna wear it every day! – made Olive laugh – But sweetie, you shouldn't have bought me this, it's not my birthday or anything!

– Oh, I know, but it's just so pretty! I bought three different colors of it for me.

– Really? – laughed.

– Olive, can I borrow for a minute? – Tom's mother, Diana, asked while approaching.

– Sure! I need to refill the refreshments anyway – she smiled and walked away.

– So, I'm leaving tomorrow already.

– Oh, really? That's too bad!

– Yes, but I just have to... There's a lot of things to do at work, and my sister doesn't want me to miss her birthday...

– Well, don't worry, I'll try my best to look after Tom for you.

– That's what I wanted to say, actually. I want to thank you, , for taking such good care of him.

– Oh, no, no. I haven't been doing anything right lately.

– Yes, you have! You've been so incredibly strong through all of this, you're always there for Tom, you make sure he's fine... And you need to be taken care of too.

– Well, Tom's been splendid at that.

– You call me if he isn't, and I'll be back immediately – Diana held 's hand and she smiled.

After everyone had cake and some people made toasts for Olive's parents, Tom and were sitting next to each other holding hands, and had her head resting on Tom's shoulder.

– How long until you have to go to London?

– Um, about four weeks – Tom replied.

– I hope I'm past this phase by then...

– What phase? – Tom asked and lifted her head to look at him.

– This phase, where I... Where I have to hear your heartbeat every other minute or I'll lose it.

– Oh, – Tom put his arm around her – We'll be fine. We'll just talk on the phone or on Skype everyday... that average annoying couple stuff – Tom and laughed.

– Oh, I didn't tell you what was the surprise Amy had for me! My tour is starting in London so we'll meet there!

– Really? That is so great!

– Yeah! Maybe we'll have some time off to go places... Oh, we should go to that park, there's this beautiful park where I once had a picnic with my parents and it started storming rain while we were eating, it was so funny!

– Yeah? Which one?

– Um... I can't remember the name... Dad! Dad! – shouted and he didn't hear – Mr. Potter!

– Oh, Mr. Potter, that's adorable! – Tom laughed as James drew closer.

– Oh, yeah, we've had this nickname since forever! I remember when I read the first Harry Potter book and I started running around the house when I found out Harry's parents had the same name as mine – smiled.

– What is it, Miss Potter? – James asked.

– What's the name of that park we were having picnic in and it started raining?

– Hyde Park?

– Hyde Park, exactly! I was just telling Tom we should go there, since my tour's starting in London when he's filming Thor...

– That is so good! When will that be?

– In about two months.

– And, will you...

– Yes, dad, I will send you many tickets in advance - smiled and James and Tom laughed.

In the evening, and Tom joined Jim and Olive in watching a movie, and then they all went to dinner and to a dance club, all taking their minds off of whatever was bothering them that week. It was past midnight when Tom and went back to his place, and straight to bed.

– You know, it feels kind of great to go to bed crushed because of a party.

– Yes, that's great, I missed that – smiled.

– You know what I miss? Sex.

– Really? You think you're good to go? – joked.

– I always am – he answered and laughed.

– That's not what I meant...

– I know.

Tom ran his fingers through 's hair and they just look at each other, apprehensive for a while. Just holding hands and studying each other's pupils intensely. And then Tom leaned in for a soft kiss, and soon their bodies were as one, moving gently but precisely, especially after clothes were no longer needed.

– You know, I've been thinking – said as she lied on top of Tom, both back in their underwears, and ran her red-nailed fingers across his arm – Everyone keeps asking us how we feel, but we don't ask each other that. I think it's because after this we... we kind of feel whatever the other's feeling, you know?

– Yes, I feel the same way. When people ask me that I have no idea how to even begin to explain it, but with you I don't have to and it's so great...

– Yeah – smiled – Hey... Our hearts are beating together.

– I noticed – Tom put his arm over 's back – A perfect sync.

Later on, and Tom cuddled – like always – and went down for another night of sleep.

– Goodnight honey.

– Goodnight – Tom answered.

That night, Tom woke up during the night again. Though it wasn't really "waking up", since he never actually fell asleep. But the reason this time was way different.

– ? – Tom whispered in her ear, getting no response – ?

– Yes? – answered in a low voice.

– Will you marry me?

– What? – laughed with her eyes still closed – I didn't know you talked in your sleep.

– I'm serious – Tom replied, making suddenly open her eyes and face him in a shocked look.

– What?

– I... I was going to... – Tom quickly got up and followed him with her eyes, sitting up as he turned on the lights and went to the closet. A few seconds later, he returned with a small black box in his hands and came close to , who still hadn't shared a word. – I had planned on doing it tomorrow, after lunch, but... I just couldn't sleep – Tom smiled and , who had her eyes fixated on the box, then looked at Tom and smiled too, her eyes starting to get moist.

– You are serious – she breathed out, making Tom laugh.

– Yes, I am. Oh, um, I guess I'm supposed to kneel for this – Tom smiled and kneeled before 's side of the bed, opening the box to reveal an astonishing diamond ring. – ... now that you are fully awake and conscious... Will you be my wife?

– Oh my god! – smiled letting out a loud breath – Yes! Of course, yes! – said with certainty, letting out a tear. Tom smiled and sat on the bed as he put the ring on 's finger. Then, he looked deeply into her eyes as they both had on their faces the most honest smile they had ever had, and Tom kissed passionately as they both closed their eyes.